It’s February & Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. For some, this is a holiday filled with chocolate and roses, but for others it can be rife with sadness as a reminder that they are not in a romantic partnership0, or their partner doesn’t show up in the way they want them to. This week we are going to talk about the power of love and why it can hurt so much.
When you are in love, it can seem like the world is brighter. Birds sing, flowers bloom and anything seems possible. However, one unanswered text or forgotten anniversary, and you sink to the bottom of the ocean of despair faster than the titanic.
How is it that love has the power to hurt so much? Because you are giving your power to another person to tell you that you are worthy and deserving of love. You are seeking validation that you are worthy. That you are desirable. That you are wanted. That you are loveable. Essentially, you are asking someone outside of you to fill the void in your heart, carved by the people in your life who told you that you were less than whole. This is an impossible task for even the most enlightened partner. No one can fill the void inside you, except for you.
We were born as the pure essence of love and innocence, but as children we may have been given the message that we are not good enough or worthy of love. We gathered evidence and developed core beliefs based on these early experiences. Each new relationship we have gets filtered subconsciously through these core beliefs and we begin to look for people who can fill the void. We attract partners who are the reflection of the incompleteness we feel. They can’t live up to our expectations because they are wounded too and looking to us to fill the void inside of them. We feel rejected and the cycle continues.
We’ve talked a lot about Bubble Talk, but never is it more active than during the dance of intimate relationships. Here is an example:
David grew up with a very overbearing mother. No matter what he did, he couldn’t seem to please her. If he got a B on an exam, she’d say, “Why wasn’t it an A?” With continuous negative feedback, he developed a subconscious belief that he always disappoints women. He now chooses women who are also overbearing and fit nicely into this paradigm. He disappoints them and gathers new evidence that he is less than worthy.
Suzie was a sensitive child whose father left when she was four. She remembers crying and begging him to stay. When she asked her mother why he left, she said, “All men leave.” Her brother then left for the army when she was six. She developed a core belief that all men will eventually leave her. In relationships, she seeks constant validation which triggers the emotionally unavailable men she attracts to flee. More evidence that all men leave.
David and Suzie meet at a party. They see each other across the room. The world stops, they lock eyes and begin the dance of intimacy. Unfortunately, unless thy recognize and shift their subconscious Bubble Talk, David is going to disappoint Suzie because he can’t live up to her unreasonable expectations of constant validation. Suzie will cling to him because she believes he’s going to leave, which he inevitably will.
So is there any hope? How do you recognize your Bubble Talk and shift your subconscious thoughts? First, by recognizing the void you are trying to fill. Become still and listen to that inner child. Does it say you are ugly? Un-loveable? Stupid? Write it down. Let it all come out on the page. Every negative thing you were ever told about yourself. Once you recognize your core wounds, you can begin to heal them. Write another letter to your inner child. This time, tell yourself you are loved. You are worthy. You are whole. You are complete. Do your mirror work daily. Look yourself in the eye and say, “I am worthy of love and I am complete and whole.”
Once that void is filled with love from within, you will begin to attract a partner who is also whole and complete. You will no longer attract into your life the wounded souls. In a healthy relationship you “orbit in love,” rather than “fall in love.” When two individuals who are complete and whole connect, they create a synergy. 1 + 1 = 3 because they are whole and complete individually and their love creates a synergetic experience that they share together. There is you, there is me, and together it makes “us!” 3 separate entities, therefore we are whole and complete attracting another whole and complete soul instead of 2 halves, making a whole. It is romantic to say “my better half” or “you complete me.” But it is asking another human being to fill you up & that is a lot of pressure and tiring.
You are the essence of love. No one outside you can take away that which you already are. Once you radiate that on a cellular level, you will attract the perfect partner. That’s the power of love!
