“Essence of Relationships part 2 – Belief Systems”

Last week we started talking about how our subconscious beliefs, or “bubbletalk” can impact our relationships, not only with others, but with ourselves as well.  This week we are going to expand on that and explore how these thoughts create our belief systems.

Belief systems are handed down the same way our genes are. We take on the beliefs we were taught as children which are infused into our emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical beings.  Our thoughts play a huge role in sustaining these belief systems.  

Have you ever asked yourself why the same thing keeps happening to you?  For instance, you keep dating men who cheat on you.  Or, you seem to always get the co-worker who takes credit for your ideas.  It’s easy to place blame outside ourselves, but what is the common denominator?  This may sting a little bit, but the answer is that it is you. Wherever you go, there you are.

Things Don’t Happen To Us, They Happen For Us

It can be tempting to run away from our problems by thinking we can change the person we are with and things will change for us. It could happen, however, it’s more likely that things stay the same until we shift the beliefs within ourselves that attracted what happened in the first place.  Until then, you’ll keep recreating the same thing over and over again

In order to heal, we have to become aware of the thoughts we have about ourselves and take responsibility for our lives.  When there is a lot of love present, everything that isn’t love will come to the surface for you to look at and heal. It’s very difficult to heal what you can’t feel and very hard to see things in yourself unless you have someone showing it to you.  Partners and children are some of the best people to show us what we need to heal.  It’s always a choice.   


Expectations cause us to project onto the person we are with. We get tired because we drag around all of this baggage from our past.  People won’t do what we want or don’t treat us the way we want to be treated.  They don’t live up to our expectations, so we go to our past and drag out old memories and relive experiences that match.  We then have evidence to say, “See?  All men…..”  “All women……”

When we get into a relationship with a new person, it’s really the same person with a different face. Remember, the stuff that is unlike love in this relationship brings up what is unlike love from our past so we can heal from it.

Blame and Shame

This is where the blaming of others and the shaming of ourselves comes in. Anytime we blame someone else, shame ourselves or make up excuses, we are giving our power away. We become helpless victims and all we can do is complain about how the other person has wronged us or lament about how unfair life is. I call this below the line behavior and it wastes a lot of time in relationships. When we are in the throes of shaming ourselves or blaming others, we lose the power to make a change.

When we take the responsibility for our thoughts and actions, however, real change begins. Now let me be clear.  We cannot take responsibility for anyone else’s reactions.  Our only responsibility lies in what we believe and think about ourselves and how we act.  Remember, we co-create together.

How To Find Out What Projection Looks Like

Here is another exercise that will help you recognize the thought patterns that cause projection.

  1. Write down the names of two people that you really love and respect.
  2. Next to their names, write down what you appreciate, love and respect about them.
  3. Now write the names of two people that you are really upset or angry with
  4. Next to their names, write down what you are upset, angry or ashamed about. What did they do?

Did you feel an emotional response to this exercise? First look at the things that you love, respect and appreciate about the first two people.  They are also mirrors for you and what you love and appreciate about yourself. Now, look at the people that you are upset with and know they are also mirrors for you about something that you may not like about yourself and it is triggering something within you that you don’t want to look at.  The willingness to look at this can be a powerful first step towards lasting change.

Stay tuned for next week when we talk about identifying the ways we show up in relationships.